Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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