I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
