I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
