hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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