Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
