I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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