I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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