According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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