My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
