I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
