I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
