as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
