Please, let me fuck your mom
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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