Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
