I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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