forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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