umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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