Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
