I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
