I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize