I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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