I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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