it's too hot outside to masturbate.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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