I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize