i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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