I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
