Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
