bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
