my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
