Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
