No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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