I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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