just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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