You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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