Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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