my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
