My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
