My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
