Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You ruined the universe
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