some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
