something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize