I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
