so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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