i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
