I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
