We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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