Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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