You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
