Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
