We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
