The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
