My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
