Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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