things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
