if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
