Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
