I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
