She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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