I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she smelled like a LAN party
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
